DIGGING THE DANCING THIEF

Cheata, cheata.

You & i know.

The crimes & grimes youve commited.

AH AH AH AH.

Cheata,cheata.

You & i know.

Where the long green GRASSES grow.

Cheata, cheata.

Whats up your sleave.

AH AH AH AHHHH.

Achieve all that,that you can.

The dancing thief.

Young & free (at the mo).

Only inbetween.(BARS & CONCRETE WALLS).444

 Watch when the lights are low.

He will, know where to go.

Find a pic pocket.

Strung and dumb.

Watch as he  claims it all.

For he is the dancing thief.

Young and free.

Digging the dancing king.

Watch him fleace.

Watch him go (THROUGH EVERY POCKET IN TOWN).

Digging his own grave.

Dont go wasting your emotions.

Save your life & run.

Digging the dancing king.

Young and free.

Only 93

AFTERMATH

Souless bodies.

Wander aimlesly.

Eyelesly.

Eyes snatched.
Blinding, darkness remains.

Darkness blinds the soul.

And eyes lost.

Aimlesly walk.

The decripted town.

A shambles.

Lonely are us humans.

All eyes on us.

As the town glows.

Grows from building to building.

Crowned eye balls paint this town.

This planet earth.

All eye.

Shakra drained from middle of fore head.

Angels with thier now beuityful eyes.

Cover the once dark holes.

All evil is hidden by the eye.

Rivers, lakes, seas.

All infested by dark angels.

Black eyed angels swim free.

DESOLET earth.

Just rot and decay.

To see the moonlight once more.

The sun rise againe.

Feel the fresh unpoluted air.

Running free,through woodlands.

Free.

DOVES came swam with me.

Deers sat right next to me.

Trees bright & green.

Field after field of fresh green grass(HASH) MARK.

AND IT ALL SEEMS LIMETLESS.

IS THIS WHAT WE HAVE  BECOME.

OR IS IT IN THE POST.....?????

I WOULD LIKE TO EXPRESS MY APPRECIATION.

ANGELS OF DARKNESS

Raws from the angels.

Of death.

As they spawn & multiply.

Wings of darkness.

Shadow the alley ways.

And cast sillouets on the walk way.

Angels of the midst of shadeyness.

Haunting traces.

Left as they float about town.

Town desolet.

Scared anxious individuals.

Trying to hide, escape.

This darkness.

Which has enveloped.

This world.

For a while they pitty us.

"Were frowned upon."

SCOULED LOOKS.

From heads with blank eyes.

No eyes.

Just darkness.

Then the hard raine

FALL.

Theres no moon.

No light.

PART FROM THIS HARD RAINE....

With no precsent forces.

The majority of the human species.

Fell to the ground with.

A CLAP.

Eyeballs.

GREEN , BLUE, BROWN,...

Caked the stairwell ..

Of abandoned buildings.

Squemish, rat infested holes.

Of a street named.

CLAPHAM.

Still trying to work it out.

If you have an answer plesae contact me .

MY email is on my profile page.

So please contact me about this.

THY WHOLE OF THE LAW

Let it be thy whole of the law.

Let the flood flow.

Sewers shall overflow.

And let the flavour flood out.

That shall be the law.

No departed.

No deprived.

Non un-unified.
But tied.

UNITED we shall be.....?

OUR FAVORITE PLACE

Every time i see your face.

I remember a certaine place.

When ime by this place.

All i see is your pretty little face.

Every time.

I was on time.

I was the sour taste of lime.

I was so cold.

Whilst you made the sun,
just for fun.

But every time ime by this place.

I sit & replace.

Replase thoughts.

Coloured by mists.

Of your pretty little face.

Thoughts that departe  clouds.

And your shine beams down.

Not froozen beneath no more.

For i will love you forever.

moore.


(k.moore)

BUS-TARDS

The suspended animation of a bus.

So much fuss.

Borded the double deck bus.

Destination bus driver.

Take me there.

Yellow grapling bars for monkeys with one eye to swing & sing from.

Noise of afganistan under shock & awe (the engine).

Rattle & annoy.

As the bus climbs blue bell hill.

Like a pebble being rattled in an empty supper tennants can.

Ye old supper tennants.

One stop, two stop, three stop etc, etc.

When will this crual torture stop.

Will this jalopy of a motor shut the fuck up.

As it slowly drowns the sound of my ipod.

And that is wrong.

how can any one even contemplate ruining a mans music.

Its just not done.

In the horizon i see my destination.

Or is it my destin. ?

MUTED

I will be your voice.

Specific,clear,understandable.

I shall elaborate when asked..

Not told..

Mr and Miss muted.

I shall be as clear as crystal.

No stutters, no murmuring,.

Just a beautiful vibration you may feel.
as my voice reverberates

And enters and entertains the loss of speech .

Yes i know.

Society has sown your lips.

Rendering you .

Leaving you feeling inadequate, categorised.

Boxed and shelved.

Just keep quiet,

In the school, children become a product.

A product to full fill society's greed

Yea i know.

Its almost every where.

We have to be aware.

According to society's enforcement.

Ime up for the challenge.

Of society's pathetic little games.

Game of monopoly.

Monopoly of the sources.

Individual fucked upness

I will not shut up.

I will stand .

And have my voice.
As well as yours.

.

BASEBALL BAT ATTACK

Back in the 90s.

I am with chrystal.
snuggled up together.
feeling & sharing each others warmth.

Whilst on the living room sofa.

Before i know it, ime out cold.

Asleep & content.

I didnt here the front door.
being kicked in.

All i remember was gettting up from the floor.

Chrystal had to fill me up with the details.
I remember some of this night.
but only flashes.

As the mind with its ego defence mechanisms.
locks away the brutal attack.

What happend was.

Jason booted my door through.
baseball bat with both hands glued to it.

Smacks me to the left of my forehead just above my eye brow.
it knocks me.

I get up.

Only to be beaten to the floor againe.

Back on my feet.

Smashes me to the ground once againe.

Up kenny get up.

"PUT THAT BAT DOWN AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN"

Ime not worried.

Even though blood is pissing every where.
So much i can barely see as the claret runs from my forehead & scalp.

Ime hit againe by this devilish wooden baseball bat.

Ime now thinking hes gonna kill me.

On my hands and knees crawling, as this lunatic pownds the back of my head whilst crawling.

I need to get to my sword.

Which used to be at the end of my setee.

I WANDER, on all fours.

JASON STILL WACKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

I grab my sword but cant see as ime blinded by the loss of blood.

I take the sword from its sheath.

And start lashing out.

Catch this wanker on the arm.
hes cut.

And runs for his life.

L,  says " KENNY GIVE ME THE SWORD"
Thought i could trust him seing as we grew up together.

Then i realise,

Go to my cubourd grab a hammer and start looking for J.

Only to colapse from loss of blood.

But as i found out after being discharged from hospital.
That lee drove jason down to where i live.

I say " you was behind him why didnt you grab him from behind."

His answer was "kenny i was terrified"

OK.

Ime in medway hospital for 2 weeks.

Fractured scull,blood coming from my ears.

Head partly shaved with pads all round my head.
secured with bandages .

Stiched better than my grannys nitting.

I wander to the end of the ward.

Outside having a fag.

From the corner of my eye.

I see J. peeping.

"COME OUT HERE YOU CUNT"

J "NO YOU WILL STAB ME UP OR SOMETHING"

MUG "WHAT IME GONNA CARRY A BLADE IN HOSPITAL,GET OUT HERE"

J , "CRYING , WHAT HAVE I DONE"

I punch him ,nose bleeding.

He curls up.

I waid into him with boots to the head.

Then something in my back goes.

Ime in aggony.

But cant let him see it.

I say.

"FUCK OFF EVERY TIME I SEE YOU, YOU OWE ME.NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE"

Now ime in a wheel chair as my back went whilst kicking the shite from J.

Have a cat scan.
etc.etc

Round this time i was a heavy drinker.

Fuck it,with dressing gown on & looking like a car crash.

I walk out the med hospital to the nearist offie.

I buy a bottle of vodka.

Soon as ime back at the hospital.
the doctor.

SAYS "IF YOUR WELL ENOUGH TO GO BUY ALCOHOL, YOUR WELL ENOUGH TO GO HOME.

Fair enough.

No dramas.

Ime out of here.

GOOD BYE AND THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH.

I return to my flat which looks like a murder seen.

Blue & white stripie tape corderd my flat off.

I go inside and cant believe what i see.

Blood is every where .
just as if buckets were thrown up the walls.
And my head became a sprinkler of not water but blood.

Horrific some might say.

SLASHES and dents in walls.
from the lash of my sword,.

Which i never saw againe as the police confiscated it.

When i was in hospital talking to this hero who was dieing from cancer.

Bless him, told me how to make a carbide bomb.

Which was going towards Jasons way.

to be continued.

THE PONCE

One of the most annoying, of all humaine beings.

Yes you got it ,the ponce.

Or greedy selfish fuck.
The story begins.

Yea is it ok for a smoke.

Ime not going to deny someone a fag.
Here you go.

Any hash to put in to it (the rolling tobaco).

YES no worries.

Thirsty now.

Got a drink.

fuck yea.

Hungry.

Bacon and egg sandwich.

There you go.

Something to wash it down with ?.

YEA got any booze.

On its way.

Another fag with hash.

You havent got a fiver i can borrow & never pay back.
Have you.

Of course.

Can i use your phone quickly to call my sister in australia.

Two hours later (off the phone now).

Ok to have a quick shower.

YES.

Any more alcohol.
Ime parched.

"Hang on."

"Are you not eating that bit of chicken left on your plate."

"No m8 ime full."

"Sweet ile have it."

Runs to a corner of my room.

Peeping at me now and then as the animal saveges the piece of chicken.
Its mine now ,all mine.
As it gives a gasely glare.

A look of panick.

Striken by thoughts of loss.

This was its meat.

It now owns this grusome, saveged piece of, chicken

It was rather barbarik.

I go to the loo.

Only to catch the scavenger.

Spraying my bottle of boss aftershave like its going out of fasion.

Ime getting wound up at this cruel greed.

I give a piercing look.

A look of discust.

It,leaves me to use the toilet.

FLush the bog.

Back to my living room.

The fuckers going through my roaches now.

Checking for any sighns of shrapnel,of bud left.

As the fucker has smocked all the hash.

DRUNK my booze.

Ate my food.

And so on.

Now the foul greed has been met.

Its,up streching.
Yawning. content on my behalf.

"Ok to pop round tommorow m8"

YES YOU GREEDY FUCK.

And right on cue the fucks back round.

And the same old story.

Untill that was.

I asserted myself.

And put a stop to it.

JESUS,i wasnt going to let this foul pig,dry me out.

FUCK NO.

The fucker would have the boxers of me if he could see them.

Can i shag your girlfriend.

But yea ponses or greedy people who think the world ows them,

Take,snatch,take,.

And its always one way traffic.

One day i was on my ass.

SKINT.

It, pops round i ask has he a rolly (ciggerate).

Ah, sorry m8 aint got any.

I only catch him out my window smoking as he walks off.

Walks off into the horizon.

And i hope he just keeps on walking.

FUCK IT IF YOU CANT FLY TO THE MOON, THEN FUCKING WALK IT.

Then youve got your tight fucks to.

 But thats another story.

DOWN IN MEDWAY

Down in medway.

Their black and  blue.

Pink with blonde perocsides too.

Clowns of gold.

hula hoop earings.

Oh down in medway.

Oi fuck off you.
you wanna talk about that.

Your not from round here.
ime scared of you.

But we dont talk about that.

falling apart classics.
Ide like to talk about that.

Talk over.
CRACK on crack pipes.

Shite on the lawn.

Violence in high streets.

And girls withdrawn from crack till dawn.

More crack on crack pipes.

With a little smack sprinkled on top.

But if your looking for a cheap song.

The med will entertaine you.

ILe be waiting.
As far as pos, to keep the fuck away from you .

OOOOH
DOWN IN MEDAWAY.

CUSTOMS FROM AFAR

Funny how they catch there tip off.
And take photos of cockiness.

As they proudly prescent 100 kilos of hash.

But never get the larger mule behind.

"YES WE HAD A MAGNIFICENT TIP OFF."

"LEADING TO THE CURRNET ARREST OF SO & SO."

"ALL IN ALL, TO OUR TRIUMPH".
"WE CEASED A STAGERING 100 KILO OF GANJA".

"BUT UNFORTUNETLY, LITTLE DID WE REALISE THAT BEHIND THIS SICK INDIVIDUEL,
WHOS UNDER A VEST .

NO,NO SORRY IT WAS A JACKET.

BUT YES 5 TONS OF HEROIN WENT PAST US ON A MADDA FUCKIN TRUCK.

"WHAT TO DA FUCK, TO DA FUCK"

"IME VERY PISSED OFFF ER NOW" FUCK

"WE TOO COULD NOT A BELIEVE IT"

"THE WOOL HAS BEEN PULLED ONCE AGAINE"

"thank you god bless, amen, god bless."

AND GOOD BYE......

RCK1
KENNY MOORE........

G-O-D

God if you do exist ime beaten.

So tired of being sick & tired.

A beaten worn out record.
That keeps repeating itself.

Over & over.

Cant take no more.

I shall joine the beat generation.

A group of people sickend by social boundries.

So called laws.

Men attempting to stand tall.
blueish uniform,black boots.
helmet,belt,cosh,peper spray,walkie talkie.
and plenty of back up.

Did these laws come by way of you.

As the church many yrs ago was thou law.

Brutel individuals.

Yes god you say that you are all loving.

Do me a favour and fuck offfff.

All you ever do is wind me up till ime pissed off.

IF you say,love all.
why not show some yourself.

Or are we the ones to do it all for you.?

Selfish rightness fucked up individual that you are.

People ask what has god done to you.
To deserve this slating.

Well basically fuck all.
Nothing.

Stting up there with his religions.most at war.

Absolutly brutal when the church ruled and governed and was the law.

Oh look she looks like a wicth.
Lets stick her under foul water.chained to heavy stones.
See if she goes under.& watch satan make this witch float back to the top".

How many exactly did float back to the top.?

NONE.

Just left to drown.

Stupid fool of course she will go under,twat.

Fuck yay lets burn her alive whooooo hoooooo.
Get in there, fucking brilliant.

Christianity biggest ponces on the planet.
The church all they want is your money.

OH and believe in me( may as well believe in pinnochioa)
And you shall enter my kingdom.
Heaven.

BUT dont believe & i will hate you & you will burn forever ha ha ha ha ha.
Sounds like a mad man to me.

FUCK OFF with your contradictive bible (which in jail comes in handy for rizla when one runs out)only fucking use it has.

The great almighty up there?.
Laughing at the religous wars.
That have occured in his name.

What a shame people dont listen.
Your mugs and little joeys,.
WHO are thick as a coil of shit.
Will find a false sence of security plus contentment.

for that people may as well drink your blood,or is it wine and become a alcoholic.

Not some stupid no body who no one has ever seen.

I COULD GO FOR HOURS PAGE AFTER PAGE.
but its starting to bore me.

PS IME NOT KNOCKING PEOPLES BELIEFS.
EVERY ONE TO THERE OWN.
IME JUST EXPRESSING HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW,
MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL.
KENNY MOORE,(NOT GOD)

Down on my knees.
With my hands in the air againe.

Waking up feeling lost & tearfull again.

I will never lose this paine.

Never quite dream of you againe.

Despretly fighting the demons inside of me.

Felling her touch once more would have frightend me (GHOST)

We was as close to marrige as can be.

Soul mates.

We had our up & downs.

But now chrystals gone.
Another tie undone.

 Dead chrystal your the poet in my heart.
Most beuatyful women i have had the pleasure to meet

You was all i ever wanted all i needed.

 And now that you are gone.
My paine still lives on.

We lived,made love,was best freinds aswel as lovers.

And no one could replace you.

almoust 16 yrs have past,.
And i know ile never lose this pain.

If only you were still here.

life would have some one to live.

Instead i just exsist.

.And live in bliss.

All for that touch ,laugh you had,so pettite and pretty.
I so miss your cuddles,arms intwined lovers running free.

We was so free,and ime pretty sure ile see your pretty little face again.

Then like most things in my life.

I get locked up.
Your out there on your own desprate,.

No one to turn to (lost her mother and father to cancer,brother jason found floating up the river medway)

Then came the big call.

Moore you are wanted at the chapel after lunch.

Alarm bells are going off in my head,a rush of anxiosness.(this must be serious)

I walk after lunch to the chapel.

Kenny moore (asks the priest).

YES.

Your mother is on the phone .

Hi mum hows things.

Mums crying and howling.

THROUGH  the telephone the whole prison stood still.hearing my mum whaling.

MUM whats wrong.

Kenny i want you to be strong,i will be down to visit you as soon as i can.

MUM what is it brunet (my dog).

PLEASE KENNY
.
MUM just tell me.

Chrystals dead.

I go numb.
cant think what to say.

Have nothing to say.just numb.

Priest asks do i want to talk.

No thanks i just want to go back to my cell.

walk on the wing,peter feny, oi kenny table tennis m8.

I wave my hand shake my head,suggesting no.

I feel as if ime in a fantacy world, (denial).

As soon as lock up.
as soon i cry.

ime looking outside through the iron bars,day dreaming.

A little bird lands on my sill outside of the bars.

Maybe thats a sign maybe thats chrystal.

But no shes gone,ile never feel the same.
Never feel her warmth as we both used to lay watching THE CROW.

TWO lovers intwined,heart body soul mind as one

Just as two drummers beating in time in rythum.
Was our heart as one.
United.

Before hand when chrystals father graham died of cancer (RIP) chrystal and i kept in touch by mail and visits.

We planned that upon my release from prison.
We were to be married,.

Chrystal had been left alot of money from her father left in a will.

I remember mum saying "kenny chrystal is lost with out you,i have never seen her so out of it all of the time."

My denial kicked in.

Not for one second did i think chrystal would die.

The sad truth chrystal died aged 20 from a drug over dose.

The last i saw of someone so carring understanding and beuatiful.

MONEY

And if you sell yourself.
It will,, be for money.

Youl get up at,, 5.am.
Just for money

You might end up,, in a jail.
And all 4 the want of money.

THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL.
THE CRUED.

Youl be a greedy fuck.
For your money.

yOU CAN SPLASH OUT.
Buy things.& think that your happy
With your dirty money.

DONT WANT NO MILLIONS.

Just peice of mind.

How crazy and mental we go all for the love of paper.

CHRIST how we addor that paper.

It becomes sad when ones partner puts paper with the queens head on it.
Before there loved ones.

Money can drive you to do the most horrific crimes.

Armed robbery,shop lift,sell drugs,prostitute ones self,fraud,violance,MURDER.

Anything to get there hands on that bit of paper.

And if you buy her a gift.
Shall be ,with your money.

The paper has control of you.

Without this fantastic paper you will die of starvation.hyperthurmier,sickness,bills to paper,gas electric,rent.
You name it money will get it.

Money cant buy me love ? look hard enough with paper in hand & you will find false love.

But isnt most false,does true love really exist, try looking up some psychology, no love just co-dependency.

Kill for the sake of this so called precious paper.

And one can never get enough.

In one hand out the other.

Some sad sickend people will sell their children for a piece of this paper.

How foolish can a man be to think he is so powerful.
So cool,yes ime rich and powerful.
As i have lots more paper than you.although my ticker is packing up and i can barely see.

FOOL.

Me i prefer the false forged money.

You see its al the one to me,let it be real money? or fake.
Its all the same.

Paper.

I COULD GO ON FOR DAYS WRITING WITH PAPER.

But ime not going to bore you,as i think you know.

Money what one will do for IT.

ISOLATION /karma

Do you ever feel that you belong.

Ever feel alone whilst alone.

Feel alone whilst in the company of others.

Sad inside.

Isolated.

Isolation,is part of life, i or we choose (some say).

BUT what about people who are gay.
Poor hidden secrets that tante & remind themselves of how wrong they are ?.BY THE BIBLE
So they isolate themselves.as these poor souls are who they are
It disgusts me to think of the HOLY BIBLE slating gay people,when SO CALLED GOD MADE US,

What a contradiction.

Anxiety another isolater.

Deprssetion,no motivation to leave the house.

Just sat at home thoughts running wildly through ones mind.

Most thoughts of a negative type.

Only worsens how i feel.

THINK NEGATIVE ,FEEL SHITE.

Act as if, think as if, feel as if & be.

A concept.

when was the last time you realy enjoyed yourself.

"Yesterday when i drank myself to sleep."

But thats me suppressing uncomfortable feelings.

Yes i am a doctor, as i self medicate.

Dont need no script of tablets to get me hooked.

Christ i do enough of that myself. so save your time.
MR doctor.

Oh yes at the week_end i went to a restraunt.
As much curry as you like £6.95.

Nearly ate myself alive.

Enjoyed myslf though.

Untill the moaning (morning).

Bubbles poping in my tummy.

And a rush a to the loo.

I wont go any further, as i think you know what happend.

Am i enjoying myself right this minute ?

Inbetween writing, guzzling vodka.
maybe i am happy.

But with nie on every good time has a consequnce.

Consequences, had enough of them.

Boerd me right out my concious conseqences.

TO many to go on about right now,but like i said before i shall revial all.

All the wrong doings,plus guess what. conseqences.

Every action we make has a consequence.

Let it be good or bad.

There is no escaping consequences.

No matter how hard you try, thie shall not escape.

Karma ,what goes around comes around,

You see karma is cunning.

you think you have escaped the cuffs of your doings,

But it will come back for you with great furosity.

As karma is a consequence in disguise.

UTOPIA THE LION

Hackney londen, summer time.

SS want me to go to see a forensic psychiatrist.

All well & good.

For them shills.

On the tube.
The london underground.

Can imagine all sorts of crime going on down er.

Jump a few tubes.
Arrive Hackney station, thank you very much.

Find my destination.

Ime knowing i shall be interigated by this FOREN-SICK PSYCHO.

At my destin i see high steel fencing.
Cammeras every where.

Ok ime on big brother, yes i see now.its a fucking nut house..

Smoke and finish then stub my cig out, bin it.

Buzzzzz.

Hello,yea its kenny moore,gotta an appointment with.
That PSYCO DR McKLINTOV.

"ok i shall buzzzzzzzzzzzzz you in."

WHAT THE FUCKS THIS buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz,FUCK ELECTRIC SHOCK TREATMENT.


Not for me, thanks all the same.

I wander in past one door get checked by security..
Book in.

Waiting in anticipation.

Then "Mr moore"

No its cokooa the clown you foolish psycho.


Yes that is i.

Come through we have much to discuss and venture and we must dig very deep into you.

No ones digging deep in me. I know he wants to explore my mind,fellings,emotions.

The life story begins.

I let him know as he digs away how or how i think i felt whilst i was a child.


I am honest with him very much so.

But theres honesty and theres STUPIDITY.


I WILL now cut this long day very short.

The conclusion.

SS "do you consider mr moore to be suffering any mental health issues.

PSYHCO "in my proffetional oppinion i consider mr moore has a personality disorder of a general type.

GENNARAL TYPE, PLEASE TRY, BE SOMEWHAT MORE SPECIFIC

HONEST MIRROR ON THE WALL

Wooo who.
Mirrow, mirrow on the wall.

Be honest and tell me who is the fairist,most outstanding,beuatiful, thing of them all.

Well my.
It sure as fuck aint you.

Why is this (asks the so called lady).
As your vanity goes beyond, GREED.

What with your make up, plastic breasts, reconstrcted nose, liposuction of your foal greed,.
Draining you of your greed and so called need,yes you think liposuction will rid me of my indulgance.
ime not going on and on & on like you women love and addor.
But your plastic.

Your a disgrace.

Look at yourself HONESTLY.

All i see is beuaty.(shouts the so called lady)


All you see is trickery, nothing more.

You will believe that you are, as you said beuatiful.

Your denial annoys me some what you fool.

Look at me and look at me FUCKING HONESTLY.

Mirror, oh mirror please, i cant do it.

LOOK at me.

Your so so right.

I am an ugly sight.

Well that wraps that one up,.

Good to see women being honest.

PLEASE ACCEPT MY APPOLOGIES I AM NOT A WOMENISER,NOR AM I TRYING TO BE LITTLE WOMEN IN ANY WAY, FUCK I LOVE WOMEN, MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL...


TO BE CONTINUED

ANXIETY

yesterday morning.

Wake up at my mothers.

Lois my daughter comes into her room.
Ime still laying in bed a wreck.

Can you pick me up from school today daddy.
Yes of course sweetheart.

I kiss lois good bye.

Flop back to bed under the duvet.

Something wakes me.
Startles me.
I am confussed thinking CHRIST IT MUST BE 3 OR SOMETHING IN THE AFTERNOON.

I crawl out of bed, down the hall way.
Peep through the side of the door.
10 in the morning.

Says the clock.

MUM asks me to put loises new flat fucking packed.
Dressing table together.

I sigh thinking i havent the energy for this shit.
But i will do my best.

On the first glance no numbering to indicate where what screw goes where.
For fucksake argos at least have the desency to mark your so called products.

I screw away putting this side there, there , there.
Wrong fucking way round.

Now i will be stressed sod it i am stressed fucking stressed.

MUM says leave it mathew will do it.
Leaving me feeling lousy, useless, no good to man nor beast.

Then i start to shake and sweat,everything is blurry.

This felling inside begins to erupt.
I feel like a kettle on a hob ready to boil over and explode.

My anxiety is all over me running through my arms leaving my fingers tingly.

Then like a flash of lightning ime over welmed by this satanic feeling that never leaves me alone.

I sit mums watching tv.
I am struggling not to cry. i feel so desprate.
I cant containe this powerful emotion any longer.

My nose is running my eyes streaming,

What the fuck is going on am i going mad.?

Wipe my tears try not to let mum see.
Stand and get ready for my journey home.

OR journy to the hospital let them know how i feel.
Maybe get sectioned.

The thought did cross my mind.

Ime on the bus now drinking k cider as quick as my stomach can handle it without throwing up.

After three cans my nerves begin to relax.

The beast has been tamed.

well for today it has.

But i know i will only have to wake up tommorow to go through the same shite.

AND NOW IME LEFT WITH THE GUILT OF NOT PUTTING MY SPECIAL LITTLE GIRLS HOUSE TOGETHER.

Why mum, WHY BRING ME INTO THIS FORSAKEN WORLD OF TERROR PAINE AND TORMENT, WHY MUM WHY ?

Me sitting on my pitty pot feeling sorry for myself.

The anxity was just as if some one had me playing russion rulet with five bullets in a six chamber barral.

But there was no gun just my addiction playing one of many of its trickery tricks for its own amusment.

4.50 am
Wide awake blinded by this screen.

Everything is sencitive.

My nerves on fire.


Eyes can baerly see.
So so sencitive.


Evrything i put to my mouth tastes like gandys flip flop.
Tastes foul.

Quick get to the loo.
Niagra falls is on its way.


Shite flooding from him.
LIke a man slashed across the throut.


Teeth feel furry.
Mouth tastes shite.

take the blanket off .
Its to hot,hotter than the sun glaring at me from the corner of my living room.

Blanket back please ime freezing now.

The sun in one corner.
The north pole in the other.

Ime trapped, cornerd myself.

I grin and baer this constant change of weather within myself.


So tired but no not for you no sleep.
Just adds to this torture.

The darkness is faiding, out side.

But still the night within clings on like its life depends on it.

I sit lean back and sigh.

Sick of being sick.

Get up to make some tea nearly collapse.

Sod the tea crash on the sette.

mouth as dry as a camalels c u next tuesday.

But dont want to move just lay down and suffer.

Minds saying your the only fool feeling this .

But i know ime not alone.

sorry will finish this later feeel shite,gonna lay down.