yesterday morning.
Wake up at my mothers.
Lois my daughter comes into her room.
Ime still laying in bed a wreck.
Can you pick me up from school today daddy.
Yes of course sweetheart.
I kiss lois good bye.
Flop back to bed under the duvet.
Something wakes me.
Startles me.
I am confussed thinking CHRIST IT MUST BE 3 OR SOMETHING IN THE AFTERNOON.
I crawl out of bed, down the hall way.
Peep through the side of the door.
10 in the morning.
Says the clock.
MUM asks me to put loises new flat fucking packed.
Dressing table together.
I sigh thinking i havent the energy for this shit.
But i will do my best.
On the first glance no numbering to indicate where what screw goes where.
For fucksake argos at least have the desency to mark your so called products.
I screw away putting this side there, there , there.
Wrong fucking way round.
Now i will be stressed sod it i am stressed fucking stressed.
MUM says leave it mathew will do it.
Leaving me feeling lousy, useless, no good to man nor beast.
Then i start to shake and sweat,everything is blurry.
This felling inside begins to erupt.
I feel like a kettle on a hob ready to boil over and explode.
My anxiety is all over me running through my arms leaving my fingers tingly.
Then like a flash of lightning ime over welmed by this satanic feeling that never leaves me alone.
I sit mums watching tv.
I am struggling not to cry. i feel so desprate.
I cant containe this powerful emotion any longer.
My nose is running my eyes streaming,
What the fuck is going on am i going mad.?
Wipe my tears try not to let mum see.
Stand and get ready for my journey home.
OR journy to the hospital let them know how i feel.
Maybe get sectioned.
The thought did cross my mind.
Ime on the bus now drinking k cider as quick as my stomach can handle it without throwing up.
After three cans my nerves begin to relax.
The beast has been tamed.
well for today it has.
But i know i will only have to wake up tommorow to go through the same shite.
AND NOW IME LEFT WITH THE GUILT OF NOT PUTTING MY SPECIAL LITTLE GIRLS HOUSE TOGETHER.
Why mum, WHY BRING ME INTO THIS FORSAKEN WORLD OF TERROR PAINE AND TORMENT, WHY MUM WHY ?
Me sitting on my pitty pot feeling sorry for myself.
The anxity was just as if some one had me playing russion rulet with five bullets in a six chamber barral.
But there was no gun just my addiction playing one of many of its trickery tricks for its own amusment.
Wake up at my mothers.
Lois my daughter comes into her room.
Ime still laying in bed a wreck.
Can you pick me up from school today daddy.
Yes of course sweetheart.
I kiss lois good bye.
Flop back to bed under the duvet.
Something wakes me.
Startles me.
I am confussed thinking CHRIST IT MUST BE 3 OR SOMETHING IN THE AFTERNOON.
I crawl out of bed, down the hall way.
Peep through the side of the door.
10 in the morning.
Says the clock.
MUM asks me to put loises new flat fucking packed.
Dressing table together.
I sigh thinking i havent the energy for this shit.
But i will do my best.
On the first glance no numbering to indicate where what screw goes where.
For fucksake argos at least have the desency to mark your so called products.
I screw away putting this side there, there , there.
Wrong fucking way round.
Now i will be stressed sod it i am stressed fucking stressed.
MUM says leave it mathew will do it.
Leaving me feeling lousy, useless, no good to man nor beast.
Then i start to shake and sweat,everything is blurry.
This felling inside begins to erupt.
I feel like a kettle on a hob ready to boil over and explode.
My anxiety is all over me running through my arms leaving my fingers tingly.
Then like a flash of lightning ime over welmed by this satanic feeling that never leaves me alone.
I sit mums watching tv.
I am struggling not to cry. i feel so desprate.
I cant containe this powerful emotion any longer.
My nose is running my eyes streaming,
What the fuck is going on am i going mad.?
Wipe my tears try not to let mum see.
Stand and get ready for my journey home.
OR journy to the hospital let them know how i feel.
Maybe get sectioned.
The thought did cross my mind.
Ime on the bus now drinking k cider as quick as my stomach can handle it without throwing up.
After three cans my nerves begin to relax.
The beast has been tamed.
well for today it has.
But i know i will only have to wake up tommorow to go through the same shite.
AND NOW IME LEFT WITH THE GUILT OF NOT PUTTING MY SPECIAL LITTLE GIRLS HOUSE TOGETHER.
Why mum, WHY BRING ME INTO THIS FORSAKEN WORLD OF TERROR PAINE AND TORMENT, WHY MUM WHY ?
Me sitting on my pitty pot feeling sorry for myself.
The anxity was just as if some one had me playing russion rulet with five bullets in a six chamber barral.
But there was no gun just my addiction playing one of many of its trickery tricks for its own amusment.
